I think many, if not most, people who read this blog also read "Meeting Madison." If you are one of these people, you may have noticed it disappeared last month. And you may have wondered why.
You probably even have a guess as to why. Your guess is right.
I've been meaning to write this post for a while now, but I've been unusually busy with work this last month and a half. Yes, I realize "working at all" qualifies as "unusually busy" for me, so laugh all you like . . . but I swear, I've been swamped! Plus I'm still coming to grips with what my thoughts are on the whole situation. So I've been putting it off.
But today, as I was looking for stuff to delete off my TIVO, I saw the Entourage folder. Entourage was kind of like "our show." For some odd reason, Coquette thought I was like Ari Gold. Although I love the character, I'm not at all like Ari Gold. Coquette be crazy! But then in October, they had an episode where there was one scene where indeed, Ari was like me. After seeing it, I emailed Coquette, telling her that part of Ari Gold is me.
Anyway, seeing the folder brought back all these memories, so I couldn't help but watch the episode again today. It was bittersweet. Still a great scene, but mostly it was sad, because that association is gone now. Well, not "gone" so much as "different." But if nothing else, it was the kick in the pants to go ahead and write this post.
Coquette started her blog, Meeting Madison, after talking with one of her Ashley Madison men (Buddy/Infidel) who, having questionable taste in blogs, recommended "Ashley and Me" to her. She, having equally questionable taste, liked this blog enough that she decided to start her own blog as a female counterpart to "Ashley and Me." The original title was even "Me and Madison."
Of course, she quickly learned that there were other (better) blogs out there, so she started using those as inspiration instead and changed the name to Meeting Madison, and later, Coquettica. Leaving "Ashley and Me" as nothing but an embarrassing part of her history. But for a time, at least, it was pretty flattering.
See how I always make everything all about me?
Anyway, early on, being the clever girl she is, Coquette found my original Ashley Madison profile (not the easy RiffDog one I created after starting the blog, but my original one) and sent me a "wink" (that's what they call the free prewritten messages on AM.) Her intention, of course, was sort of a "Hey Riff Dog, I found you!" thing. Although we had never emailed before, I knew it was her because her profile was almost word for word what she had said it was in her blog. So I said something clever, like, "Is that you, Coquette?" (Take notes, fellas! I come up with all sorts of gems like that!)
From there, we emailed and discovered a couple almost freakishly coincidental things we had in common (which I obviously can't share here.) We became very good friends. We did flirt a bit, but never shared pictures and never did any "cyber sex" stuff. Truly, I don't do that. But I liked her enough that I was tempted to make this one singular exception. Tempted.
Except . . . she worried me. A lot. If there was one person I worried might one day be caught, it was Coquette.
She often blogged about ditzy things she would do at home. And even in her blog, she'd often do some pretty questionable things that made me wonder if she really understood how risky this game is.
She once posted her AM email address (the secret one, different from her blog email address.) Not exactly letter for letter what her email address was, but close enough to raise an eyebrow if any of her suitors ever stumbled across her blog. On another blogger's site, she once used her real first name. I never could understand why she did that. I told her I thought it was a bad idea and she should delete it, but she didn't see what the big deal was. "How would anyone make the connection?" she said.
She once posted an HNT picture with part of her face in it. When I suggested to her that the shot might be too revealing, she explained that other people often had parts of their faces in their HNT pictures, so she figured it was okay. Yes, she really said that. But to her credit, she pulled the picture.
Coquette is very, very bright. Smartest kid in class bright. But as is often the case with the smartest kid in school, she has limited street smarts. That may sound harsh of me to say, and I don't mean it that way. It's just that I worried she was in a neighborhood (continuing the "street smarts" metaphor) that she wasn't prepared for. The "big, strong man" in me wanted to protect her. But of course, I couldn't.
And she did finally make that mistake I feared. I don't know (can't share) the exact circumstances, but her husband found everything. No exaggeration - "Everything."
The aftermath is that she's "okay" (relatively speaking) but is now trying to salvage her marriage. The worst part is that her husband is hurt by all of it much more than she expected. She regrets what she's done. Not just regrets getting caught, but regrets what she's done.
Her email addresses are deleted, of course. We did swap a couple emails the day she was discovered and she gave me a basic rundown. But then her accounts went dead and I never did get a chance to say goodbye.
So, weeks later, I worked up the nerve to find one of her legit email addresses. It wasn't that hard because she gave me a lot of information about her. I emailed her a preliminary email, basically to make sure the account was "safe" (it was her work address, so I wanted to make sure there were no issues there.) I explained that I knew that she probably didn't want to be getting emails from the likes of me, but I needed to say goodbye (I admit I can be weird this way) so would it be all right if I sent one last email?
She did respond. The tone was very cold. I guess I should have expected that, but I didn't.
Indeed, she didn't want to hear from me again. Completely understandable, but it still hurt a little to read. She wrote that part of the reason was that I (and my blog) "give the dangerous impression that infidelity is normal and okay, and that's an impression I'd like to stay away from." It bothered me to read that. A lot. I've been thinking about this for the last couple weeks. Thinking about responsibility and the consequences of what I write. I'll post about this on Wednesday.
Anyway, Coquette said it was okay to send my final farewell. Which I did. She didn't reply and I haven't heard from her since. Which is probably just as well. She's not the same Coquette I knew. Same name, same writing style . . . totally different person. I do (and in fact, did) wish her the best. But she's gone now.
One thing I struggle with about this whole thing is that even more than sadness, I'm still angry with her. Angry that she wasn't more careful. Angry that she would get herself caught.
I know that's selfish and I'm not proud of myself for feeling this way. Her family is hurting. She is hurting. Truly, I'm sorry for that and I feel for them. But still, I'm angry with her.
Angry that she cost me a very good friend.
28 minutes ago
53 comments:
Oh Riff, what a sweetheart you are.
I'm sad that things didn't end well between yourself and Coquette, but guess she was so traumatised by everthing that had suddenly happened to her that she lashed out unthinkingly.
Many of us have already debated the ins and outs of adultery, the multitude of reasons behind it, the highs and the lows etc., yet it boils down to each person's rationale being unique - together with the risks they are prepared to take.
And blogging about it is one of those risks.
Blogging and puttng it out there with it not being private can be dangerous. You neve know who is going to stumble on to the blog.
It hurts when you develop a friendship and look to help them through things and then dont get to say your farewell.
Best wishes to her and I am sure she didnt mean to come off cold to a point. She is just working out her own ordeal.
You did a great job capturing your feelings, and I commend you.
One thing you might want to consider is that while Conquette might not have realized what the consequences would be, some part of her might have wanted to get caught, in part to see her husband's reaction. I'm not a psychologist, but just thought that might help explain things.
Anyway, best of luck and keep writing.
I looked at Coquette's old posts today and I do wonder if maybe she feels she was encouraged to cheat by other bloggers since she started her blog before she had actually made the transition from 'email queen'. Personally, I have never felt that anyone lured me into my affair, it was very much my own decision and I think that is probably true for most of us who blog of our relations. But given the stress of the circumstances, I do wonder if Coquette wants to place blame elsewhere to assuage her own guilt.
Whether there is any truth to my hypothesis or not, I am very sorry that you lost a friend.
Cate xxx
I feel angry too. In an entirely selfish way, I loved the banter we used to have. That level of intelligence with her wicked sense of humour was a delight.
I do wonder whether she was on a self destruct mission (or her subconcious), wanting her husband to wake up and notice her... of course a class example of be carefull of what you wish for.
I miss her greatly. I wish she were here still.
I don't know why I talk in the past tense. She is still alive. But still I feel she has gone. I hope she can fix the damage.
Good post Riff. You are entitled to feel angry. You have had a friend taken away. I expect her way of dealing with her nightmare is to block out everything that was associated with her infidelity, bury it deep. Never unbury it, else she might waiver when it all seems too hard to fix with her husband. She did have a lot of fun after all.
I almost forgot that fact that Cate just brought up -- that before Coquette started blogging, she hadn't actually done any physical cheating. Maybe reading all of our blogs did make her feel normal and okay about what she started to do.
The thing with cheating is that it is clear it is quite "normal" in the sense that it does happen a lot and has throughout history. "Okay" it is not though, especially if you don't face the reality of the fact that you could get caught. No matter how ingenious we are with naughty phones and secret email addresses and out of the way hotels, life isn't predictable and you just don't know what could happen.
Not expecting our spouses to be extremely hurt if they were to ever find out is just deluding ourselves. That is why you have to really think about all that and decide the risk is worth the reward on a pretty constant basis. Would all this be worth it if I was busted and my marriage destroyed, either temporarily or forever? If the answer to that question is no, I would say it is time to get out of the cheating game. But that's just me.
Hmm, got off on a bit of a tangent there, sorry.
Of course I don't know the person, even though I've read the blog, but I had a sort of sense she might have wanted to get caught. She wasn't very careful when it came to protecting her identity, to be untraceable. Perhaps she wanted to be found and wanted her husband to "reign her in", so to speak.
Anyhow, it's sad that friendships have to be lost when we create impossible situations for ourselves. ("We" and "our" meaning "her" at this point.) She hurt many people, it seems. I wish everyone the best that's dealing with a loss as she's dealing with her life offline.
This still guts me. I miss her very, very much.
Her being caught seemed like a grim inevitability--like the march to the gallows. I feel guilty for saying that, as though my thinking that could have affected anything.
In a way, it's easy to say that an infidelity blogger begets infidelity in others. It's easy to look at another and say, "Wow, look at how fun/exciting/consequence-free that seems!" But I wouldn't overestimate the effect. All the blogging in the world won't get a non-cheating person to do so, even if it warps their sense of reality.
Do you give the impression that cheating is ok? Maybe to someone who is already cheating or already leaning that way. If I had found all these lovely adultery blogs that I read 10 years ago I am sure I would have been horrified and never looked at them again. Now, now they speak to me. Sometimes they speak with my voice and sometimes they ask questions I didn't even know I had. Do they, as my husband puts it, normalize by behaviour? Maybe. But,I think it is more about where the reader is in their head - all you can do is tell your stories and let people take from it what they will.
I am sorry that you were hurt by her words - although it is no excuse, sometimes when we are floundering we do not always care for others the way we should.
*hugs* to you, losing a friend is always hard.
Her absence is noticeable, and after so many discoveries in the past while, I could only have assumed she ended up exposed.
I think Kimberly hit the nail on the head - there is as much caution in our words as there would be encouragement. The danger, the fear of being outed is palpable. I can't begin to think the words here, or elsewhere endorsed anything or egged her on.
I found it easier to hide, to stay beneath the radar at home, but I went to great lengths to do so. Leaving yourself vulnerable, whether intentionally in hopes of provoking your spouse, or subconciously is dangerous stuff.
She'll be missed, and I hope for her sake the healing process isn't too arduous.
Everyone is responsible for their own moral compass, and someone who has a profile on a dating site especially so, whether they intend to act on it or not. There is an astonishing degree of denial and self-delusion in the blogosphere, but the rules of life don't change, and to blame others for one's choices is just immature.
Strangely, I find myself unmoved despite being bombarded by the information that marriage is a wonderful institution. Perhaps I should get married and complain that I was unable to make up my own mind what I wanted from life, and that I had to give in to peer pressure, and therefore cannot be blamed. Or perhaps I'll just try to struggle on being responsible for my own choices.
Sorry you've lost a friend. I miss her too. She is smart and witty and her posts were always worth reading. I always wondered about her blog and how careless she was though. Maybe she needed something to shake her husband a bit, but blogging about her affairs may have gone way to far.
I am mostly scared about what happened to her.
Rather like Z, I have little patience with people who try to place responsibility for their choices on others, but it could just be that Coquette just considered she'd "seen the light", the way an ex smoker will sometimes berate those still addicted to the weed. However, I can't understand anyone who could underestimate the effect their actions (and the blogging thereof) would have on anyone like a spouse stumbling across them. That's just naive.
There's something intoxicating about blogging one's infidelity, especially when there's a support group - maybe it's all part of the validation people sometimes crave, the lack of which set them on the path of infidelity in the first place. I'm becoming more and more persuaded to the idea that it's unwise, even on a closed blog. Coincidently, here in the UK there's been a great deal of wittering today about the effect of a new piece of legislation on "extreme" pornographic images. Strange that people can get so worked up about the minimal chance of such activity landing them in a criminal court, whilst ignoring the effect their blogging would have on their situation in the far more likely possibility of them ending up in a divorce court. But then, I suppose there's none so blind ...
Sad, yet unsurprising.
This is exactly the sort of scenario I urge my readers to consider when I blog my thoughts on respecting your spouse online. I've argued time and time again that bloggers need to consider how their loved ones will feel if (or - more likely - when) they stumble across their prose and pics.
Still, maybe something positive will come from this situation and an unresolved angst will be finally discussed and dealt with.
I feel your anger, you don't know why but you can't help but wonder,
"What were you thinking?"
I have seen a few good people go down that way.
Luka: Not just spouses. As we know.
Hers is a cautionary tale for all of us infidels. We seek the adrenaline rush of our risky behavior and somehow believe in the "that'll never happen to me" philosophy. In truth we really are one breath away from a life altering implosion.
We do seek out each other as a form of support. It's often made me giggle, the thought of starting a Infidel Support Group. Gee, I wonder if we'd get caught then? Living this duplicitous life requires so much secrecy and altered truths it almost seems getting caught is almost inevitable.
For the record, if I am ever found out I know it would be all my own doing. I don't hold any of you responsible for my stupid actions.
Riff...your tender side is showing.
I am just 'beginning' here in blogland. But read many here, including Coquette long before I came out of the woodwork. She was bubbly and bright and when I heard about this...it sent me reeling.
What's that old saying "if your going to do the crime..." yet here we sit. Most of us keely aware of the potential consequences should things go wrong.
This is a dark, sobering reminder of aftermath and balance. I wish her love, peace and stability.
Having talked to her a few times outside the confines of the public arena, I can honestly say that I feel very bad for her. When her blog disappeared and her emails shut down, I knew what had happened.
Mrs C, if you are reading this I hope it works out for you
Nice of you to care and I echo a bit of what Ronald10021 wrote, the subconscious is a powerful thing.
Quite frankly, I find myself speachless. You lead such a complicated life.
Riff, you are not responsible for her getting caught (she is a big girl). Come on now, you know that she was careless. And just because she was an email queen prior no one and no one is responsible for her fate.
Your northern cali friend,
Linda
P.S.
If she is old enough to get married, she is old enough to fk around that was her decision not because of your blog.
Linda
It's a thought-provoking story, Riff. Your blogs did seem like complementary bookends. In retrospect, hers was kamikaze-tragic in that she often wrote about how very much she loved her husband and genuinely wanted to connect to him but couldn't.
We all say the same vows but each marriage has its own unique challenges. Consequently, the reasons that people venture into infidelity also vary widely. Infidelity is a reaction to real marital problems for which there may or may not be a solution. I hope they find their solution.
No one is ever prepared for how much devastation and hurt it could cause a spouse if discovered or confessed. No one. Furthermore, it shakes up all the auxiliary people involved as well: Children. Family. Friends, online and off.
I've been trying to think of what to comment here without getting too philosophical or preachy 'cause I already do a fuckuvalot of that without prompting. I'll just say her story had a profound effect on me. As it seems to have had on you.
But, dude: don't think for a minute that your charming way with words pushed her or anyone over the edge! You're a different kind of cautionary tale, possibly ghostwritten by Harold Robbins.
I agree with her to a point...you do make cheating on a spouse seem normal, fun, and very doable without any consequences. Of course, there is a big difference in reading about your exploits and actually participating in them myself. We all have to make choices about what we see as right and wrong. I would bet that most people go into cheating knowing the cost. If she didn't then that was her painful lesson to learn.
It is kind that you feel for her, but you're not responsible for her choices.
You and your blog give the impression that infidelity is normal and OK?
That in and of itself makes me sad.
That anyone could think that infidelity is common. That it isn't hurtful. That it isn't damaging.
I can understand the rush that someone can get from it. I can understand if you're trying to fulfill something that's missing in your life.
But to lie to yourself that you believe that it's normal and OK. I don't think it's right for her to put that on you.
She needs to take responsibility for her own actions and not act like it was your fault for misleading her.
I'm so sorry that you were hurt by this....
For the 1st time I felt the need to post some sort of response to Coquette's disappearance...when the blog when down, immediatly I thought 'oh hell, she got busted' but so is the general reaction when your special 'other' doesn't respond or reply with quickness...the bottom line, is that once one engages in this sort of behavior we all know that the outcome can be bad all around...such is the risk we take. Clearly it doesn't stop some of us, but we all have to be willing to accept responsibility for our own actions....clearly Coquette isn't quite ready yet- and you are one of her million reasons for engaging. It's sad, but it's her reasons...don't let it get you down or deter you.
Blog on....
I'm sorry you are missing your friend. That does suck. And it does suck that she got busted. But hopefully everything will be ok in her life.
The thin line you both walk (ed), dangerous yes,.. Both totally not physically knowing one another, i found your blog first,, then her's.. SO much of what she wrote, i've felt a time or two (or three),, cause WE know..
Really i'm sorry for your loss, cause i've been quite down about it too..
So Riff, yanno what to do, don't leave a paper trail...
And Please, if ya do leave.. send me an email...
Cause i would sincerely miss you!
~c
I agree with Kate, that I see as much caution as encouragement in the infidelity blogs I read. For what it is worth though, the cautions that I take to heart aren't so much about the risks of getting caught: after Wife's multiple infidelities, I figure that anything I do with D is pretty vanilla by comparison. But there is a second risk as well -- the risk of heartbreak, the risk that you wind up loving two people at once and being pulled in incompatible directions. In the months and months when I was reading infidelity blogs without having ever been unfaithful, I read this particular story over and over again. It was one of the things I tried to discuss with D before we started our affair. And in the end we both decided, "Yes, well, it's a risk but ...."
I miss Coquette too. She was one of our best writers, and I am sorry not to have her writing for us still.
I've been in a relationship for over three years and I have no desire to cheat on my baby, but yet I love the Ashley and Me blog - and others like it. My point... we're drawn in more by your stories and how good a writer you are than some feeling that if we only follow in your footsteps, we'll be able to have our own little adventures.
You have nothing to worry about. We're all grown boy and girls. It is too bad she said that, but I agree that she was just lashing out. I mean... even if you stood up and DARED everyone to live the life you do, it's about personal accountability. If we fuck up, we only have ourselves to blame.
Semele - Thank you for that. It is sad. But I can understand where she's coming from. She didn't really lash out, by the way. It's just that her tone was so cold.
ASweetNectar - You are right. It's the risk of getting involved with the blogging world. So many leave with no explanation. Others, even with an explanation, can be very unsatisfying.
Ronald - I do wonder about the wanting to get caught part. Personally, I don't think that's the case, but you're not alone in that opinion.
Cate - You make an excellent point. I forgot that she started as an email queen.
B - Yes, I think you're right. Like an alcoholic, where you don't want to hang out with a bunch of other drinkers.
Wayward Wife - The whole post is a tangent, so you're doing fine! ;) Plus, you make a lot of sense.
unMuse - The part about her not being very careful is what I wonder may be partly because of bloggers like me. Admittedly, I didn't spend a lot of time explaining what could go wrong and instead just focus on the fun. I wonder of she (or others) look at that and don't realize there's a whole flipside to it.
Ms Inconspicuous - I think you're dead on (as usual.) Including the part about her being caught seeming almost inevitable. Like you, I feel guilty thinking that.
Kimberly - You are absolutely right. Under better circumstances, I'm sure she would have been a little more aware of her words' impact.
Kate - She will indeed be missed. And I think you're right about the cautionary parts of our blogs in general, but I do wonder whether mine in particular paints an overly rosy picture.
Z - Excellent point.
Krazy - Yes, the main thing is that I hope things work out well for her.
Morpheus - I agree. Although I don't think Coquette blames me (or us.) She just doesn't want to associate anymore.
Luka - Yes. If only we would all listen to Luka! ;-)
MyButton - A cautionary tale, indeed! I shall take your absolving final paragraph as legally binding, by the way! ;)
SouthernGirl - Then I must hide my tender side immediately! I wish her those things as well. She really was a good friend.
The World Is a Playground - Yes, let's hope.
Man Whore - Again, that's an interesting theory. I have to think on that one.
Suze - Yep. Complicated it is.
Linda - You're right, I don't think I'm responsible, and I don't think she does either. But I still wonder whether this blog may paint an overly rosy picture.
L. - Ah, you flatter me with the Harold Robbins comment! And I happen to love your philosophical and preachy thoughts. so preach on, sister! I think you make a lot of sense.
Naughty Girl - Yes, that's exactly it. I do paint a picture of normal, fun, and very doable without any consequences. Of course, readers have a responsibility to interpret accordingly, and I think Coquette agrees. But still, there is that brainwashing effect.
The Duchess - In her defense, I don't think she blames me. She just thinks I (and we) are a bad influence.
Anonymous - Good points. And for you, I shall blog on! ;)
Luca - Thank you for that.
~C - You will be at the top of my email list!
Hosea - You're right about the benefit of sharing that second risk. I'd say that's where these blogs are an actual plus. Except mine, of course, but . . .
Buddha - Thank you for that. I think I'll stop short of daring anyone, though. ;)
My tenuous connection with the infidelity blog world tipped me off to the existence of this post. I was just going to read it quietly and leave no trace, but I know about Riff Dog's statcounter skills... since my visit won't go entirely undetected, I might as well make a full response.
First of all, Riff Dog, I am flattered that I inspired a blog post (of course, you inspired me to write a whole *blog*...) A big thank you to you, and to all the commenters here and elsewhere, for your expressions of affection and concern. What a warm and welcoming community this was.
Secondly, I am sorry, Riff Dog, that I cost you a friend. (The cost doesn't end there... I cost myself a lot of friends, both real and online. I cost my husband a lot of friends too. I cost my children a home with two parents... I could go on, but I'll refrain.)
As to the cold tone of my email... it was complicated. The flirtation (which seemed almost harmless to me, but when you start to see things through your spouse's eyes, "I really want to fuck you" seems much more threatening) put you in a gray area between friend and lover. I was trying to err on the side of caution and not encourage any communication that might tempt me or hurt my husband.
To all who misunderstood: I do, I do, I DO take full responsibility for my actions. I made my own choices. No suggestion or direction caused me to cheat on my husband and blog about it. What I was trying to explain to Riff Dog, in my brief email, was that my blogger friends made infidelity more comfortable for me. They didn't make me enter into infidelity, but they welcomed me when I got there. At this time, when I am trying to scrape together the shrapnel of my life and rebuild, I don't want to be reminded of how comfortable infidelity was. Because, at least for me, it simply wasn't worth it. Not even close.
Which brings me to where I am now. First of all, I am safe. My husband, while big and muscle-y and generally intimidating, would never harm a hair on my head. (My lovers' heads? There was a time when they were in considerably more danger…)
Second of all, I do have profound regret. Not for getting caught. (Did I want to get caught? I don't think so. But I guess I'm glad that something happened to make me stop.) Not even so much for the actual infidelities (though I do regret them). But mostly I feel regret for not giving my marriage the chance to be what it could have been. I was too afraid and insecure to look for the love and intimacy and excitement I craved where I should have looked first: in my own marriage. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but this, I think, was the biggest.
There have been a lot of surprises for me in the 42 days since I was discovered. I was surprised to discover that my husband really loved me. I was surprised that he was hurt deeply by my unfaithfulness. And I was surprised that we suddenly, when it might be too late, started to become all that we could be together. We have intimacy. We have sex-- LOTS of sex. I have more frequent, more intense, more exciting sex than I did when I was blogging. (The BDSM thing? Who knew that *my husband* would be the one to fulfill that fantasy?) We have honesty and openness and respect.
And...we have lots and lots of pain. He's moved out, to try to deal with his pain and anger. He wants to forgive me, but can't see how. And I somehow have to forgive myself. And our happily ever after hangs in the balance.
Just one more thing, before I go. I'm still the same person. I might not be who you thought I was, but I haven't changed.
Riff, forgive me for highjacking for a moment...
Coquette,
I know you may not check back here again, but I feel compelled to let you know that I am a blogger who also feels your absence. I cannot imagine what your life has been like since you were discovered 42 days ago by your husband. As a mother, I share your worry for your children. As a lover, I understand what it feels like to be desired. But as a wife, we have different perspectives... but I know that you loved your husband, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that you two might get through this. The emotional scars may always be there, but I am rooting for you guys from afar.
I know we only corresponded a few times, but I do feel your absence, and I wish you & your family only the best..
~SuburbanHotwife
I have to say, I agree with those in the "you guide your own moral compass" category. I have been cheated on and become a cheater. I know people who got busted and changed their ways, and those who ended relationships because of it. Every situation, every circumstance is different. I have a rule about non-judgement. To play on Morpheus' theme, as an ex-smoker, I don't harrang those that still smoke. Why would I? It serves no purpose.
I understand why Coquette withdrew....it is self-preservation for her, and she had a wake-up call. I would be pissed as you are, but you have zero responsibility in her situation. She made it herself, and she is dealing with the consequences. I can really appreciate the post, Riff. I lost a lifelong friend b/c she thought I was horrible for cheating on my husband...you just never know what people will do.
Riff and Coquette:
I cannot really add anything to what has been said here, but that has never stopped me before.
Coquette, I do hope that you and your husband can heal the rift in your marriage. It will be a bumpy road with hard questions and harder answers, but I wish you all the best in working it out.
As a reader of infidelity blogs who is a faithful wife, I can tell you that none of your blogs have made me want to cheat.
I think that the blogs just give you a group of people whom you can commiserate with about the issues. Also, who would want to read a blog with someone complaining about how difficult cheating is?
What would be interesting for us Coquette as a counterpoint to all this is a blog where you talk about how you rebuild from the discovery from the female side. The Philosophy of Infidelity takes care of the male perspective.
If your husband is the introspective type having him chime in with his side would be interesting and perhaps therapeutic for him.
Closure, finally. Thank you Riff for the blog post. Thank you Coquette for the response.
But what happened to Infidel/Buddy?
And Coquette, good luck. This "real life" stuff can be a bit nasty.
And Riff, thanks for the reminder that "we" all need to be extra careful. Well, that is, if we don't want to get caught.....
-Art D.
Riff...thank you so very much for this post. I wondered for weeks after her blog disappeared what exactly had happened and feared that she had gotten caught. It was awful to know that I was right, but at the same time, I'm glad to finally know for sure.
Damn, I really liked her. Alot. While I have no fear of my husband finding my blog (because he not only knows about it, he actually reads it now and then!), I still must make a very conscious choice as to what I do and do not reveal on in my posts, thanks to a number of very hateful women out there that would just love to feed me to the wolves if I gave them enough opportunity to do so.
I do believe that everything you are feeling is okay to feel. She was a friend and now it must seem that she just threw that friendship away upon discovery of her blog by her husband.
It is a shame but at the same time, you must chalk it up to her simply doing whatever it is she feels she needs to do to salvage her marriage. If that means writing off the likes of Riff Dog, then so be it. (personally, I could NEVER write you off, but thats just me)
Thanks again for this post and shedding some light onto a mystery that I only wish hadn't ended the way it did.
I'm sure I don't need to say this, but I will anyway because I love all of my infidelity bloggers so much: Nobody twisted her arm or 'talked her' into cheating by means of their own blogs or even by commenting on hers. At the end of the day, Coquette is a big girl. She made a very conscious decision to step over that boundary. Cheating is not just a physical act but an emotional one as well and nobody in the world can make or create a cheater out of someone who wasn't already there mentally to begin with.
Coquette:
I just realized you commented here on this blog and wanted to tell you that you are deeply missed by this community as a whole. Whatever you do, wherever you go from here, please know that many are thinking about you and wishing you only the best, myself among those numbers. I can only hope and wish that you and your husband are able to work through this together, and it certainly sounds as if you are trying to do just that. Don't give up!! As corny as it sounds, love will find a way to make it all work out. Perhaps this giant dark cloud has a silver lining after all....
Much luck to you, sweetie. I miss you and your quirky, free-spirited blog. It always, always, always made me smile.
SW
Smart, really smart people like Coquette, tend not to have much common sense. Or, street smarts, like you said.
It's always sad to lose a friend but there friend you lost is no longer there. She's transformed into someone else.
While there are numerous reasons for adultery, some valid, some not, I think the majority of your readers have the common sense to know that you aren't trying to gather recruits. You're writing about your experiences. Period.
You take heroic precautions to protect yourself and your family. Don't feel to badly about someone who doesn't.
P.S. (I posted my comment before seeing that Coquette had responded. She's smart and I hope her life will be sorted out successfully.)
Coquette: If you are reading this, I hope you are doing better and I think of you every day. I am sorry you're going through this horror and I have been scared enough that I've gone private. Still not secure enough, but it's a step.
I hope you work things out with your hubby. Just give it time.
Riff,I'm sorry you have lost a dear friend. However, it's important to acknowledge what you are feeling. I believe it's the only way you can work through what is bothering you.
Take Care....when are we going to hear more about Ashley/Gay bar meeting.
Did I miss a post?
Coquette - Thanks for commenting! (Although you overestimate my Statcounter skills.) I do understand you have suffered much more than I. Like I said, it was selfish of me. But I do miss you.
Suburban Hotwife - Hijack all you like! :)
Cheating Wife - Agreed. And thank you for that.
Another Suburban Mom - What??? My blog hasn't made you want to cheat at least a little bit??? Then I have failed!!! ;)
ArtD - Thanks, dude. The main reason for the post was so people would know what's going on. As far as Infidel/Buddy, he quit blogging because Mr C knew all about his blog as well. Since they're in the same city, he didn't think it wise to keep blogging.
Swingerwife - Absolutely. No doubt she needs to write off the likes of me. I don't disagree with anything she's doing. I'm just sad that this is the situation.
Nitebyrd - Agreed. And Coquette will be (and in fact was) the first to say that this (or any other) blog is not what made her do what she did.
Krazy - I hope she does read it.
The Real Married Girl - Amy returns on Monday. Things should move steadily then.
I'm a little late to the party, having done my own effort of backing off the blog world.
1) Riff - I love your blog. But I in no way feel like its existence or your words encourage me toward adultery. If anything, everyone's blogs serve as the cautionary tales for me to stop in my tracks and deal with the failings of my marriage in their own right. I do thank you for writing this honest post. And I thank you for always bringing a bit of humor to my life.
2) Coquette - If you are reading this, I miss you. I know that I didn't know you as well as others, but I always felt like your heart was on full display. I cared about you then and I care about you now. I hope that your family finds a way through the pain you are in right now. Despite meeting through the infidelity blogs, if you ever need an anonymous and friendly ear, you probably know where you can reach me.
Hugs to all, Kyra.
I started reading the comments here, but realised it would probably affect what i wanted to say, and i don't want that to happen. SO if i say something here that was already said -- well hey, suck it up big boy, i thought of it all by my perverted self.
:-)
Ahem.
The feelings of being caught in the act of infidelity, and the culture shock of realisation that it's not quite as smooth sailing as one might have thought until the ship suddenly sunk from under us, are almost entirely all-consuming. The regret that follows (not, as you point out, regret for being caught, rather regret for what was actually done and the hurt caused as a result) is incredibly powerful and strong and has the ability to affect the way a person acts, views the world, and responds to anything and everything. It all tends to make them very self-examining of every move made by them or to them.
It's a horribly confusing time, and it requires a lot of energy and concentration to get past it.
In other words - I'm sure that soon, maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, she'll melt a little, and you'll be able to achieve the closure that you seek -- closure, of course, mostly being reciprocal.
I've been there. I know. I'm not just spouting platitudes. Promise.
Kisses,
Sapphire the Elegant Slut
I hadn't read Coquette's reply, as i said, and somehow imanaged to post twice (slightly different comments).
It's the comment equivalent of the party faux pas, when someone bursts into a sophisticated and elegant cocktail party dressed as an oversized fluffy chicken.
Gah.
:-)
Kyra - I don't care if you come to the party late. Just so long as you're still here at "closing time," (if you know what I mean. ;)
I agree with you, by the way about the limited influence this blog has. But since it never has the "cautionary" aspect to it that others often do, I thought this would be a good time to bring it up.
Sapphire Jay - First off, I happen to think you look great in your fluffy chicken outfit!
Second, you know how I hate clutter, so I already deleted the duplicate comment (actually I deleted the first, since I figured the second was the "new and improved" version.) I can be ruthless that way!
Third, I appreciate your thoughts and I think you make a lot of sense. No doubt Coquette has a ton on her mind right now! It's selfish really, but I just miss the days when it was only the light stuff.
Interesting that I stumbled back over here when this post was near the top. (I can never read just one!) I quit reading quite a few blogs of this "nature" (including yours) a while back because I felt that they were making cheating seem ok. I kept reading about how much fun it was to be with new & exciting people all the time & realized that maybe that wasn't the best thing for me to read about. Just as I have the choice to click over & read (or not), so did she. Some of the blogs do give off that vibe, but obviously it is up to each individual to take responsibility for our own actions & do what is right for us.
I still enjoy your writing style, I just know that the topic is not for me & that's ok. Sorry to hear you lost a blog friend - I know how that can be. Nice that she stopped by with some closure & that she is doing alright.
As said above, blog on...
Yeah. I've felt a little anger, too. And I wish people would take the necessity to be careful much more seriously. And you know, there's the whole point, too, that when someone else isn't careful, they can bring other people down with them. That being said, she was a cool blogger, and sweet, and I can understand why you considered her the one possible exception to your long distance involvement rule. Sorry you were hurt.
First post here, and joining this discussion a little late. We (adulterous bloggers) do create a community of acceptance for this behavior. I don't think it's bad, but it does function as a community.
Coquette, I feel for you and know this is incredibly hard. One step at a time.
Funny to read that she found your AM profile. Right before she went offline I found hers. (I was not looking for it.)
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