That's Right, I Moved the Halloween Posts

Both posts were from last year, so I moved them back to October 2008.

The "Ashley Madison Halloween Frightfest" post is here.
Semele's "Halloween Hall of Horrors" post is here.

This post will self destruct in a week or so. You know the drill.

Good News and Bad News

Friends, when you finish reading an "Ashley and Me" post, do you say to yourself, "Damn, *that* was a waste of five minutes."?

Me too! Although in my case, that's what I say to myself after writing the posts. (You see, I don't actually "read" these posts. I value my time too much.)

So, because I care so very much for my good friends (that's you, dear reader!), I've decided to give you back those five minutes! Not just once, but twice a week! That's right, those five minutes that you would ordinarily have squandered every Monday and Wednesday reading "Ashley and Me" are now yours to enjoy however you wish!

Perhaps you'll use the time to get those "5-Minute Abs" you've always dreamed of. Or learn to play a musical instrument. Or maybe get that college degree you've always wanted. The possibilities are endless!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Golly, Riff Dog. Does this mean you're ending the blog?"

No. That would be "Great News" as opposed to the merely "Good News" that I promised in the title. The blog will be returning, but not until January.

I've started a fairly large project here at work and there's no way I can keep posting while that's going on. (Unlike June and July, when I couldn't post because . . . well, you'll see.)

"You're right, Riff Dog! This *is* good news! But . . . what's the bad news?"

Well, friends, even though you won't have to endure any blogs written *by* me, there's still one blog out there where some of the posts might be *about* me. I'm speaking, of course, about Eva Goes Hunting written by (in case you STILL haven't figured it out) Gabriela.

I use the word "might" because I don't have any control over what she writes. So I can't say for sure what (or who) any posts will be about.

And in case you're wondering, yes, Eva (Gabriela) knows the basics of what happened in early June (late May, actually,) but we do still stay in touch and she's assured me she'll stay off that topic. But other than that, believe me, I can only wish I had a little editorial control over what she intends to write or not write about.

Now, veteran readers of Ashley and Me know that this is where I like to recommend taking advantage of the conveniently organized chapters on my sidebar. In a stroke of pure blogging genius, these chapters are set up so that the first posts in each chapter start at the top (meaning you don't have to start at the bottom, like with ordinary tags or labels.) Is there nothing Riff Dog doesn't think of to make the blog reading experience easy for his readers?

Veteran readers of Ashley and Me also know that this is where I usually like to recommend some new blog that I like. This time I'm going to recommend a few, all of whom happen to be Southern California bloggers (none of whom I've met.)

The Adventures of Pony Boy - Brand new. Almost too new to recommend, in fact. But I like this guy's sense of humor and his stories so far are pretty cool. There are only seven posts so far, so my advice is to start at the beginning and read them all. I have high hopes for this one.

Turn the AC On - This one is also very much on the new side, so I'm not completely sure what her direction is going to be, but so far, I like it a lot. Carrie Oakie has a great sense of humor and writes fantasies really well. Check out this post to see one of the funniest descriptions of a disaster date you'll ever read.

Green Silk Cord - Although she's been blogging since July, this blog isn't as well known as it should be, because Ella's sex writing (both fantasy and real) is truly top notch. There's an artistry to her writing style that's really effective. I highly recommend this one.

Dewey's F*cking System - I think a lot of readers here already know Dewey, but if you don't, his blog is definitely worth checking out. He's very honest, very fun . . . and has great abs.

Sexy PTA Mom - Like Dewey, I think most people already know this one. But she has way better tits. And pictures to prove it. Definitely check her out.

Lets see . . . what else . . . oh yes - as always, this post will self destruct when normal posting resumes. So any comments left here will also be destructed (my spellcheck says that's really a word!) So don't say anything too brilliant. And as always, what better time than now for that confession you've always wanted to get off your chest?

Riff's Angels

I already got a call from the Charlie's Angels producers claiming I'm ripping off their show. Can you believe it??? Of course, nothing could be further from the truth! The idea for my show is completely original.

First off, Riff has four Angels and Charlie only has three. You see the difference, right? Plus, four is more than three, so my show is not only different, it's better!

Now, I'll admit I might have "borrowed" some of their graphic to make my graphic. But that's just temporary until one of the networks picks up the pilot. For now, I just did it myself on Photoshop. Where I learned that drawing letters with a mouse is a lot harder than I thought!

Not only do I have a cool looking graphic, but I even came up with a theme song! I'm not going to record it until the network gives me a budget, but in the meantime, here are the lyrics:

RIFF'S ANGELS LYRICS

"They're Riff's Angels!"

Cool, right? Yeah, maybe I should have spent more time and come up with more words, but heck, I figured the song would be mostly instrumental. Anyway, here's how the show open goes:

Cue instrumental part of theme song - We see a montage of our four angels doing a bunch of action stuff. Then, we freeze frame on Debbie Ann giving some bozo the Kung Fu treatment as we hear in voiceover:

Debbie Ann Voiceover - "I'm Debbie Ann. Martial arts expert. Think you're gonna spank me? Guess again, buster."

Montage continues until we freeze frame on Cecilia, forming plastic explosives into the shape of a cock ring.

Cecilia Voiceover - "I'm Cecilia. Trained in all types of explosives. Don't be a dick . . . if you want to keep your dick."

Montage continues until we freeze frame on Monica looking at maps or some manuals or something. Monica would be beautiful like the other angels, but she's wearing glasses, which, as everyone who's ever watched movies or television knows, is all it takes to make her look smart, yet plain.

Monica Voiceover - "I'm Monica. I'm the smart one."

Montage continues until we freeze frame on Little Bunny wearing a bikini and stepping out of a hot tub.

Little Bunny Voiceover - "I'm Little Bunny! I have big tits!"

Montage continues. Cut to silhouette of man who is obviously dashing and handsome.

Graphic - "And Featuring: Riff Dog"

Camera pulls out to reveal there is another silhouette next to Riff Dog. A shapely and naked woman! We see Riff Dog's silhouetted hand give the woman's ass a slap, which starts our animation of stars filling the screen and dissolving into the show graphic as we hear:

End of Theme Song (Tom Jones singing) - "They're Riff's Angels!"

We don't want to leave out Claire, so before the graphic fades out, in the lower right, fade in the words, "And Claire." I know she wanted her own freeze frame and voiceover, but the network's being a real stickler that the theme song not go over 30 seconds, so there's not really enough time. I'm sure she'll understand.

Opening Scene - Interior of a posh Los Angeles apartment. Our four Angels and Claire (she's like the Bosley character in Charlie's Angels. That is, if there were any similarities at all between the two shows, which there are definitely not!) are gathered around a speakerphone

Riff's Voice from Speakerphone (Note to producers. I'm thinking like a Barry White kind of voice) - "Hello Angels. You're all looking lovely today." (Angels giggle.) "So are you ready for our newest mission?"

Debbie Ann - "You know we are, Riff! Do we get to kick some ass today?" (She does one of her signature Kung Fu moves as she says this.)

Riff - (Laughs) "No, not this time, Debbie Ann. Our latest mission is a delicate one. We need to find out what kind of lady is going to attract the most men on Ashley Madison. Which means, ladies, you'll be going undercover."

The angels bounce up and down in their seats and clap. You know, the way girls do when they're excited.

Little Bunny - "Can I dress up as a cowgirl? I always wanted to be a cowgirl!"

Riff - "No, Little Bunny. You're going to be an ordinary woman, with all the usual tastes a typical woman might have when looking for in an affair. Put in your profile that you're 5'5", 130 pounds, married and white. And say that you're 55 years old."

Little Bunny - "55 years old??? But Riff, you know I'm only 29!"

Cecilia - "Girl, you haven't been 29 since Clinton was president!"

Little Bunny, clearly angered by this remark, slaps Cecilia's leg. Cecilia slaps Little Bunny's leg in retaliation. Little Bunny, now angrier than ever, jumps out of her seat and pounces on Cecilia. They wrestle until Cecilia's chair fall backwards. They both land on the floor, Little Bunny on top, her hand accidentally on Cecilia's breast.

Cecilia looks up at Little Bunny, who doesn't remove her hand from Cecilia's breast. Little Bunny no longer appears angry. She leans down and . . . kisses Cecilia! They start making out.

Cecilia starts to lift up Little Bunny's top, exposing her breasts, which she is quite proud of, and part of what we are counting on to send ratings through the roof. Little Bunny scoots forward so her breasts are swaying right over Cecilia's face, then lowers herself just enough so Little Bunny can suck her nipples.

Riff - "Ladies! Ladies! We have a mission to get to."

Cecilia and Little Bunny, embarrassed, gather themselves and return to their chairs. Monica and Debbie Ann giggle. We see Cecilia wink at Little Bunny and silently mouth the word "Later."

Riff - "As I was saying, Little Bunny, you'll be 55. As for the rest of you Angels, you'll have nearly identical profiles, but Monica, you'll be 45 years old, Cecilia will be 35, and Debbie Ann, you'll be 25."

Claire - "What about me, Riff? I can go undercover too!"

Riff - "I'm sorry Claire, but you know that you're a little too well known to do any real undercover work. One of the five or six men who actually read my blog (as opposed to looking for naked pictures of Ashley) might recognize your name."

Claire - "But . . . I could change my name . . . "

Riff - "No, that's okay, Claire. Four Angels is enough for this mission. Besides, you're the Bosley character, remember? We need you to do . . . uhhh . . . whatever it is that the Bosley character does.'

Claire sits with her arms folded across her chest, visibly annoyed.

Riff - "Wait, I know what you can do, Claire. For this mission, the ladies need to go to Chicago so we can see what differences there might be there. You can arrange for the flights and hotel rooms."

Monica - "But Riff, we don't actually need to be in Chicago. Ashley Madison doesn't check whether or not you're really in the city you claim you are. We could do all this right from Los An . . . "

Debbie Ann - "Shush girl! Remember when I told you about Randall who lives in Chicago? Well, he has three friends and they're all just as fi-iiine!"

Claire - "Only three friends?"

Debbie Ann - "Oh, honey, I'm sure he can find another friend for you."

Riff - "So we're all set, ladies? Let's give this three days. Count the number of message you get and keep track which are custom messages and which are wink messages. Then we'll be in touch. Good luck, ladies!"

The Angels, excited about their trip to Chicago, along with the prospect of seeing Randall and his fi-iiine friends, bounce up and scurry to their rooms to begin packing.

Scene - Fade up on Chicago Hotel Room Interior. Lower left graphic: "Chicago." The ladies enter, along with a young, good looking bellhop bringing in their bags. He opens the curtains and does all the usual stuff those guys do to earn a bigger tip. But with our sexy Angels here, the bellhop seems extra enthusiastic.

Brad (Our Handsome Bellhop) - (Finished preparing the room and obviously waiting for his tip) "So ladies, if you need anything, and I mean anything, then you be sure to ask for Brad."

Little Bunny - "So Brad . . . " (She runs her finger down his chest) "Can I assume you're available . . . 24/7?" (She has a 20 in her hand and starts to hand it to him.)

Brad - "Absolutely, Miss." (He raises his hands as if to protest that he wouldn't dream of taking her tip.) "But you'll have to find some way besides cash to tip me." (Brad winks and exits.)

Monica - (Rolling her eyes at Little Bunny) "All right girls, let's get to work."

Our four Angels pull out their laptops and begin the process of making new Ashley Madison profiles.

Claire, still pouting, goes into one of the bedrooms. She watches to make sure no one has noticed her, then she closes the door.

Claire - "He treats me like I don't even exist! Oooooooo, Riff Dog makes me so mad!!!"

She pulls out a laptop of her own and logs on to her original AM account. The one I wrote about here. Claire is 35 and her profile is basically the same as the other angels, except it's an already existing one. She changes her zip code and city to Chicago and smiles.

Claire - "But I'm going to show him that I'm still his real Angel! The one who's always been there for him. When he sees what a great job I do with this, he'll know he doesn't even need those other girls!"

Scene - Fade in on same Chicago Hotel Room. Lower left Graphic: "Three days later . . . " Angels are seated comfortably on the sofa and chairs around the coffee table where a speakerphone is placed. We hear a manly, yet sexy voice:

Riff Dog - "Hello Angels. So how did we do? Are the Chicago boys as horny as the L.A. boys?"

Cecilia - "They sure are, Riff . . . "

Claire - (Interrupting) "I got lots of good information, Riff!"

Riff - "What do you mean, Claire? I thought this was just going to be the four Angels."

Claire - "I'm an Angel, too! Anyway, I changed the address on my original profile, which is just like Cecilia's profile since we're both listed as 35 years old. And I got lots of messages! Because the guys can just tell how sexy I am!"

Riff - "Interesting. So what did you find out, Claire?"

Claire - (Sits up straight, clearly pleased at the attention.) Well, I got 33 messages altogether. Five of them were Custom Messages. Guys who paid to try to get in touch with me!" (Claire beams with pride.)

Cecilia - "That's interesting. My profile is just like Claire's . . . but I got 64 messages. 11 of them were Custom Messages."

Claire looks devastated.

Monica - "Riff, I wonder if the fact that Cecilia's profile is new, while Claire's is old is the reason why Cecilia got twice as many messages?"

Riff - "Good point, Monica. Ashley Madison does put a special "New Member" graphic on all the profiles that are less than 10 days old. And in "Searches," a guy can specifically ask for 'New Members Only.' Guys do like fresh meat."

Little Bunny - "Speaking of fresh meat, did I tell you guys about my date with Brad?"

Riff - "Not now, Little Bunny. So Debbie Ann, if Cecilia got 64 messages as a 35 year old, you must have gotten about a hundred messages as a 25 year old, right?"

Debbie Ann - "No, Riff. I only got 47 messages. Less than Cecilia. What's worse, only two were Custom Messages. What I thought was interesting was that most of the guys who sent me messages were in their 30's with a lot in their 40's. There were hardly any guys in their 20's."

The other women nod their heads in agreement.

Riff - "Interesting. So how did you do, Monica? Do things start to drop off for a 45 year old?"

Cecilia - "No, Riff. I got 70 messages. A little more than Cecilia. 11 were Custom Messages. Like the other girls, hardly any guys were in their 20's. Most were in their 40's, with a lot of guys also in their 30's and 50's."

Riff - "Interesting. Well, that's it then. I think we've learned what we set out to learn. It looks like 45 is the most popular age for a woman on Ashley Madison."

Little Bunny - "Uhhhh, Riff?"

Riff - "Oh, I'm sorry, Little Bunny! I forgot about you because the 55 year old profile was just an afterthought when I put this test together. But you're right, we do need to be complete. Besides, this will be fun for a laugh. So how many messages did you get? About 30?"

Little Bunny - "A little more than that. I got 124 messages."

Everybody turns in shock towards Little Bunny, who is beaming.

Monica - "Riff, I double checked her numbers, and she's right. And it's not like a bunch of Granny Freaks were after her, either. Just about all of the guys who sent her messages were in their 40's and 50's with the median age being 52."

Riff - "Good work, Angels. So it looks like 55 is by far the most popular age, followed by 45, then closely followed by 35, with Debbie Ann at 25 years old being least popular."

Debbie Ann - "No, not least popular, Riff. That would be Claire." (Claire shoots an angry stare at Debbie Ann.)

Riff - "Yes, but that's just because Claire's profile doesn't list her as 'New Member.' You ladies may not know this, but when it was just the two of us, Claire pulled in huge numbers. The fellas were all over her."

Claire smiles hopefully, her hurt feelings soothed.

Riff - "That was Los Angeles, mind you. The guys there can be a little more aggressive than in Chicago. Which makes me wonder if we should try a few more cities to see if these results are consistent. We'll switch your ages around, too, so that if there's anything about your names or anything else in your profiles that may have been factors, they'll get cancelled out and the test will be truly neutral. So how do you Angels feel about seeing the Grand Ole Opry?"

The Angels, even Claire, bounce and clap. You know, the way girls do when they get excited.

Narrator (for some reason, I'm thinking a Dr. Seuss voice) - "So the Angels travelled to Nashville. And to Dallas. And to New York. And no matter how their details changed, the results remained the same. The 55 year old was always the most popular, although not always by such a wide margin. The 45 year old always came in second, the 35 year old in third, and the 25 year old was always last. Except for Claire, who as an "old" profile, always got between a third and a half of the messages that her "New Member" counterpart would get.

"They didn't stop there, either. They tested different weights, all with the same height of 5'5", to see which weight would be most popular: 120 pounds, 150 pounds, 180 pounds or 210 pounds.

"The results were again consistent from city to city, although less surprising. The most popular weight was 120 pounds, by a pretty large margin. The skinny girl would get a little more than double the messages that the 150 pounder would get, and about 6 times the messages the 180 or 210 pounders would get (there was no significant difference between those two weights.)

"They learned a few other things as well, like that Nashville is not exactly a hotbed of Ashley Madison activity. Nor is, believe it or not, Long Island, New York.

"And they learned the radical effects that pictures or words in their profiles could have. But this episode is already running long, so everybody who is TIVOing it will miss it if we talk about it now. So we'll just work the other information into the coming posts.

"Which I should remind you are for Dudes Only. You ladies aren't going to like what you hear. Just sayin'."

"That" E-Mail

Lets see, where were we? Ah yes. The email that inspired a chapter! Oh, I'm excited, aren't you?

Hello. I was introduced to your blog by a friend. I too am on Ashley, but I'm having no success. I am rather new to online dating and I was wondering if you had any tips for the first contact. i.e. the first email you send a prospect.

Now, I don't want to go around criticizing or insulting people who take the time to email me. But do you notice anything here? Do you notice how there's no introductory, "Love your blog!" No "Hey Riff Dog, your last post was pretty funny!" Not even a, "Well, it's not the worst blog I ever read."

Nope, none of that. Just straight to the, "Here's what I want."

Golly, I wonder why he's having no luck with the ladies?

Not only that, every freakin' chapter that I write starts with the email that I send to each particular "prospect." And every freakin' chapter is right there on my sidebar. Is this guy putting any effort into this???

~sigh~ The truth is, I get emails just like that all the time.

Luckily though, it turns out that I do get asked for advice about Ashley Madison by other guys who do have a little more tact and know that the way to Riff Dog's heart is through his ego.

Sure, they're obviously just working me when they tell their sweet little lies about how much they like the blog. But like the woman who just wants to hear her husband say, "No honey, you don't look fat at all in those pants," the words do their magic and I am but putty in these readers' hands.

So for those guys - the same guys who learn to swallow hard and just say how wonderful their wife looks after she's gotten her hair cut by someone who is clearly blind and definitely not straight - I'm going to start my long promised "Ashley Madison Tips" chapter. (A chapter I've been promising for over a year now. I do have a way of delaying things, don't I?)

Inquiring Reader: "But Riff Dog, what makes you think you're qualified to write a tips chapter? I mean, it seems like half your stories are about disasters rather than successes."

Good point, dear reader. Heck, I wouldn't listen to me either! But unfortunately, I'm all we've got at the moment. Sad, isn't it?

Sure, there are undoubtedly some women out there who may think they can write up some helpful advice for us fellas. But as we're about to learn, dating advice from women is usually very, very wrong.

You see, whenever some woman writes a bunch of tips for guys, she's writing with her goals in mind, not yours. She's going to tell you to "be honest" and a bunch of other nonsense that isn't going to do anything to help you get laid. You do wanna get laid, right? Then step one is to forget everything any of the ladies have told you and trust Riff Dog to steer you down the right path!

Which reminds me . . . I guess I should have mentioned earlier that these next few posts are strictly "Dudes Only." Seriously ladies, you're not going to like some of the things we talk about, so you're gonna want to sit this one out. Trust me on this. Come back in say . . . three weeks. 'Kay? Cool.

Now, as I've mentioned before, Claire and her friends have been out doing some "research" that I think we can all find helpful.

Inquiring Dude Reader: "Research? What kind of research?"

Excellent question, amigo! It's almost like I scripted it for you to ask!

Anyway, most of you already know Claire. She was my original test profile. But Claire isn't involved much in research anymore, because I think there might be some guys out there who read this blog and would be a little gunshy about sending a message to any woman named "Claire," knowing there's a possibility it might be my Claire.

Enter Claire's four friends: Debbie Ann, Cecilia, Monica and Little Bunny. That's right fellas, if you sent a message to a woman named "Little Bunny," it was me. If you included a cock shot, well . . . Riff Dog doesn't judge, my friend.

Anyway, I've sent Debbie Ann, Cecilia, Monica and Little Bunny all across the country. To Dallas. To New York. To Nashville. To Chicago. And of course, here in Los Angeles. I've had them each be different ages. Different weights. Different profiles. With pictures. Without pictures. All kinds of different stuff. All in the name of science, mind you.

Here's an example of one test I conducted: I gave each of the four ladies nearly identical profiles, except I made Debbie Ann 25 years old, Cecilia 35 years old, Monica 45 years old, and Little Bunny 55 years old. I sent them to Chicago and looked at how may messages they each got. Then I switched their ages around, in case anything about their names or other aspects of their profiles were factors, (Riff Dog takes his Statistics seriously) and sent the ladies to Nashville. And then to Long Island. And then to Dallas. (With ages switched around each time.)

So which age do you think is consistently the most popular? Which do you suppose is least popular?

I did the same thing with their weights. I had one lady (again on a rotating basis) weigh 120 pounds, one weigh 150 pounds, one weigh 180 pounds and one weigh 210. Then I sent them on our little nationwide tour (switching their weights around at each city) and discovered which weight was most popular.

Can you guess which was most popular? Go ahead . . . guess!

You know I'm not going to give you the answers today, right?

Damn, even in a Tips Chapter, Riff Dog still manages to work in a cliffhanger. Has he no shame?

Reader Mail Bag

When you're a big shot blogger like me, with readers numbering in the dozens, then you're gonna get lots and lots of email. Two, sometimes three emails in a single month! Yes, the life of a blogger is quite glamorous!

Want to see what kind of mail I get? Check it out:

Dear Riff Dog,

I think you're great!

Signed,
Riff Dog

See what I mean? I get that one all the time. But unfortunately, I hardly ever (read: never) get email like this:

Dear Riff Dog,

I think you're great!

Signed,
Somebody Besides Riff Dog

~Sigh~ Don't feel too sorry for me, though, because I do get other email.

For instance, there's some guy named "Phil in Accounting" who thinks I might be paying too much for toner and ink and says he can save me money. What a nice guy! I guess it's his way of saying thanks for all the hard work I put into the blog.

Not just him, either. There's this other guy who's always worried that my mortgage interest rate might be too high. It makes me feel good that some readers really care enough about me to offer their help that way!

But it isn't just dudes who email me. You see, when you're a big shot sex blogger like me (I don't actually consider this a "sex blog" by the way, but that's a topic for another time,) then you get a little attention from the ladies, too!

Like this Russian girl named Katiana who says she's dying to meet me! Apparently she lives in some fucked up part of Russia that's really cold and stuff and needs an American guy to sign for her or something so she can come here to the U.S. Kinda like a mail order bride thing, but I'd be under no obligation to marry her . . . but she of course would want to thank me with hours of non-stop sex! Anyway, she sent me pictures of herself and . . . wow! Believe me, she's hot!

Oddly, she doesn't seem to know anything about the blog, so I'm not really sure how she found me, but it doesn't matter. I figure this is just a case of me getting lucky!

I emailed her back to see how we could arrange meeting since she was obviously into me and I was already into her. Well, she was all ready to come out here to Los Angeles . . . except apparently there are some fees or something that have to paid so she can get from Russia to here. About $3,000 should cover it, she estimates. But once she gets the money (she gave me convenient wiring instructions, so it's pretty easy) then she's on her way and we can do all the wild things I have in mind! Pretty cool, huh? Makes you wish you were a big time blogger like me, I'll bet!

Anyway, I'd send her the money, but then I started thinking - what if she gets here and it turns out she's a lousy kisser? Or what if the chemistry just isn't there? Plus I haven't told her yet that I'm married.

Hmmmm . . . I'm thinking maybe I should send her the money anyway. After all, she really does seem like a sweet girl and it would be nice to help her out, even if the chemistry isn't great and I only fuck her once. I'll have to think about this.

But enough bragging about women (okay, woman) who want to meet me. Sometimes I even get email that's blog related. Like this:

"Why is your blog named "Ashley and Me?" Who the heck is Ashley?"

Okay, so nobody really asked this question. (How pathetic is it that in a blog post titled "Reader Mail Bag," I have to make up all the questions myself?) But no matter, it's a valid question that I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to ask, so I'm going to ask it myself and answer it now.

First, as you might have guessed, "Ashley" is Ashley Madison, the website I use to find women to have sex with. Get it? I have a love/hate relationship with the site, by the way. While it does serve a purpose for me, those guys are still a bunch of scheming bastards who put up fake profiles and send fake messages and some other stuff I'll tell you about soon.

Anyway, when I started the blog, my first choice for a name was "Life with Ashley." That wasn't available, so I went with the name I have now. I'm kinda glad it worked that way, because I like the sound of "Ashley and Me" better. "Life with Ashley" sounds like a TV show, while "Ashley and Me" sounds like a movie. A bad movie, but a movie nonetheless.

Now, here's one thing that's turned out to be kinda cool about the blog name that I didn't expect. You see, most blogs written by guys have a hard time finding an audience. Don't believe me? I have actual statistics:

You know how some blogs have sidebars where they separate the boys from the girls? One such blog was Seduction of Infidelity (Ms Inconspicuous.) On her sidebar, she had links for both this blog (under the heading, "Boys") and Claire's blog (under the heading, "Girls.") On days that both Claire and I would post, Claire would get double the hits that I would get (according to our Statcounters.) Interesting, eh?

There are a few reasons for this. First, as evidenced by this very blog, we dudes don't write as well as women do. Nobody likes to say it, but it's true! Let's face it, nobody wants to read:

" . . and then I positioned my sweaty self over her so I could shove my cock into her. And then I wheezed and grunted in her ear while I fucked her. And then I came. And then I went to sleep. It was awesome!"

Not when we can read a much more erotic version of the same scene if written by a woman. (I'd write an example of how a woman would write this same scene, but . . . I'm a guy, so it's hopeless.)

Second, a lot of so called "readers" aren't really readers at all. They're just men who are just looking for free naked pictures. Of women. So if they see a blog with a name like, "Blog Written by Some Dude," then they're gonna pass that one by, because they ain't lookin' for no naked pictures of dudes. Even if he's a handsome dude like me.

But if they see a blog with the name, "Ashley and Me," then they might take a look, in hopes of seeing a few pictures of "Ashley." They're disappointed, of course, but then again, isn't everyone who comes here?

Oh, and guess what else? There are at least two blogs that have me in their sidebar links under "Couples." No joke! I mean, the fact that I'm on anyone's sidebar in the first place is proof that some people will put anybody on their sidebar. But to put me under "Couples?" Come on, at least pretend you read this damn thing.

Hmmmm . . . I can't help but notice that once again, I've gone off on all kinds of tangents and still haven't gotten to the actual purpose of this post. The email (a real one, mind you) that basically sets up the next chapter.

I think I'd better give that email it's own post . . .

Meet Eva

"You know that I'm Eva, don't you?"

Motherfuck. No, as a matter of fact, I didn't.

I had considered the possibility a few weeks earlier, but had concluded that no, Eva was definitely a different person from Gabriela.

In fact, I had mistakenly thought that Eva was white. I had somehow missed where she said, more than once, that she was from a third world country. In fact, I thought she was from Eastern Europe.

And for reasons too complicated to explain here, I had a different mental picture of Eva. She had once referred to her "big ass" or something like that, so I thought she was a "queen size" girl. Nothing wrong with that, but Gabriela isn't.

Damn, for a guy who thinks he's pretty good at reading women, I really missed this one. Boy did I miss this one.

It's a little embarrassing because just a week earlier (we're in May of 2009 here,) I had written one of my "Lame Excuse Posts." You know the ones. That's where I post that I'm going to be gone for some amount of time because of "work" or "responsibilities" or some other reason that no one actually believes.

These post "self destruct" when I return since there's nothing relevant to our story in them. So I always make the same joke about how they're the perfect opportunity to leave a confession in the comments section (since they get deleted along with the post.) Ringing any bells?

Anyway, in these posts I usually like to recommend some new blog that I really like. I dare say I've picked some winners. The first one I recommended was Wil's "Crack the Whip." That's still one of my very favorite blogs and I highly recommend it. (I recommend taking your time with it and reading it from the beginning, by the way. It's a story.)

In another "Lame Excuse" post, I recommended Coquette's "Meeting Madison." (No link because it's gone.) Tell me that wasn't a fucking brilliant blog! She made enough of an impact on me that I wrote her a goodbye post.

In yet another lame excuse post, I recommended Norman's blog, which sadly, is also gone. I liked it because it was so honest about how for most guys, women on Ashley Madison are not so easy to meet. It made a good contrast to this blog because I do have a tendency to gloss over the failures.

But in this most recent case, when I wrote that post titled "Yeah, I know . . . " (now deleted because of the whole "self-destruct" thing,) I truly had no idea that the blog I was recommending was written by the woman I was dating. It may be hard to believe, but it's true.

I still have the original draft of the post, by the way. It's very long because, as always, I go off on all sorts of tangents (you know how I get.) But the relevant part is here:

Now, I don't want to leave you empty handed today, so let me recommend a blog I don't think many people know about yet. (There are plenty of blogs I "recommend," but I generally only post about the new "undiscovered" ones.) Eva Goes Hunting is about a woman here in Los Angeles dipping her toe into the infidelity waters.

What I like about it is it's very honest. Meaning the guys aren't all super studs and the sex isn't always great. Monday's post in particular is pretty funny. She does use that annoying (although admittedly better) European way of writing her dates, by the way, so don't let that confuse you as you try to figure out when each post was written.

Fast forward to September of 2009. (Don't you fret, dear reader. We'll go back to May soon enough. There's plenty of Ashley and Me story I still haven't told you about.)

You see, Gabriela and I still keep in touch. So when we each realized we were both getting close to the "reveals" in our respective blogs, we emailed each other to coordinate the timing. She told me she had a Mr. Bond, Licensed to Spank post, which we hoped a few people would recognize as being the same story I wrote about her telling me in my Meet Gabriela for Lunch post. (Credit goes to Seductive Me, LeWhippingBoy, Me and Carrie Oakie for noticing exactly that.)

Figuring a few people would start seeing some similarities, we thought that would be a good lead in for the "You know I'm Gabriela, don't you?" post that I put up last Wednesday.

At that point, we figured most people who happen to read both blogs would figure out that Gabriela was indeed Eva Huntress, so her next post, of course, would be Meet Spankenstein, which is her telling of what happened when we met at the restaurant. (Spankenstein would be me.)

So does this all make sense? Good.

Now, a few people have asked me what's it like to read about yourself in someone else's blog. (Okay, so nobody has actually asked me that question, but just roll with me on this one, okay?)

The truth is that I have mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, it's a lot of fun reading her perspective on things. I even enjoy the part where she calls me "that AM asshole." Heck, I'll even admit to being flattered at times.

But on the other hand, it's odd not having control over how I'm being portrayed. For example, she completely left out the part about me doing my Urkel impression! Nothing says "cool" like the Urk-Man, but she didn't even mention it!

And then there are the things that we might have different perspectives on. You know, like . . . uhhhh . . . well . . . let's suppose that as Gabriela (Eva) was giving me a blow job in the restaurant, I started having "performance issues." I guess it's pretty easy to suppose that because . . . well . . . because that's what happened.

In Eva's version of the story, she simply talks about how Little Riff was becoming Littler Riff. And she makes a "Honey, I Shrunk the Cock" joke. Mind you, this would be funny . . . if she was talking about someone else!!!

She's a cruel one, this Eva!

What's worse, a couple commenters (who apparently don't read "Ashley and Me,") started sympathizing with her! Yes, sympathizing! "Maybe he was just having anxiety issues," they helpfully suggest.

WTF??? Don't they know I'm Riff Dog??? Read and respected (okay, so maybe not the "respected" part) by dozens of readers??? Riff Dog does *not* have anxiety issues!!!

At least that's not how I put it in my version.

You see, I really did have a little "Honey, I Shrunk the Cock" situation going on, but in my version of the story, I divert attention from it by retelling the story with that whole Penis/Brain dialog. That way I've got everybody focusing on talking penises and dumbass brains and forgetting all about my little "performance issue."

See? A diversion! Just like a magician! Mind you, I don't really know any magic tricks, but I'm pretty sure that's how it's done!

Oh, and not only that, Eva forgets to mention that she's blowing me in a restaurant where I know the staff! And where there are no tablecloths!

God only knows what details she'll leave out when she gets to my diaper fantasy.

Now do you see how hard it is for me when I don't have control of the story???

~sigh~

As you can see, I'm not totally sure I'm ready for this . . .

Meet Gabriela at the Office

New readers to Ashley and Me may be unfamiliar with what this whole "office tour" thing is all about. Well, lucky for you, I'm gonna 'splain it to you.

Since my early 20's, I've been lucky enough to make my living in the music business. In the early days, I was on the music side of the business. Now I'm in the business side of music. I dare say it's a pretty cool gig.

Now, the place where I work has a bunch of cool stuff that people who are really into music would enjoy seeing. Mostly historical kind of stuff. My real life friends will often come by for "the tour." It's not a huge deal and certainly not anything that anyone would actually pay to see . . . but it's still pretty cool.

And it turns out to be a great ice-breaker for a date. "Hey, we're not far from my office. You know, you'd probably find it pretty interesting . . . "

You see, it's not so blunt or as committal as "Should we get a hotel room?" Meeting here means things can proceed (or not proceed) naturally. As opposed to those first awkward moments in a hotel room; "Well, here we are. I guess we should fuck now."

Anyway, this little gimmick has been golden for me. I seriously think that without it, I wouldn't have fucked Surfer Girl. Sandra loved it, although we never fucked here. It made meeting Connie a lot easier (she agreed to meet me here for our first date.) It helped break the ice with Monica. And with Amy, we were at a restaurant on our second date when I literally used the line, "You know, my office isn't far from here . . . "

Golden, I tell you.

Oh, and there are a few other ladies I haven't even told you about. Basically, every Ashley Madison woman and even Josette (a stripper, rather than an AM woman) that I've fucked has been here at least once.

Every woman except Gabriela. Who, ironically, probably knows the tour better than anyone since she's read about it a half dozen times, in addition to hearing about it from me when I talk about work! Funny how that works, isn't it?

You see, Gabriela can only meet during the daytime on weekdays, so it's practically impossible for us to meet here. At least if we want to have any real fun while she's here.

But then, one day in May, for reasons I can't go into here, there is a day scheduled when no one will be here for the whole day. It's basically a fluke. So Gabriela arranges for her day to be clear that day as well. So we have a date!

Now, usually these "tours" involve me showing various music related things. Depending on the "audience," I may play a few things or go into a little extra detail with this or that.

But here's the funny thing: With Gabriela, she's interested in the music stuff. I even play a little guitar for her. But what she really wants to see is the pinball machine. "Is this where you lifted up Monica?" And the pool table. "Show me where on the table you fucked her." And the plasma screen where Kylie and I watched "I Legend," which happens to still be on my TIVO.

I'm reasonably sure this is the only tour I've given quite like this. It's pretty cool actually, in a twisted sort of way.

Anyway, Gabriela and I don't reenact any blog posts or anything like that. In fact, we stick mostly to my office. On my desk. On the couch. And on the floor. Gabriela is definitely making this office her own, if you know what I mean. We have a late lunch.

And we have just enough time for another round of "fun." The details of which I won't go into. Because, dear reader, that's not the point of this post.

You see, the point of this post is not the sex. It's not "the tour." It's not even that we're here at my office.

Nope.

The point of this post is that as we're getting dressed, neither of us is saying much. Which isn't a big deal because we've been dating for almost seven months now ("now" being May of 2009) and we're both comfortable with the occasional silence.

But I can kinda tell that Gabriela has something on her mind. Something she wants to say.

She's finished getting dressed and waiting for me to finish tying my shoes. She looks at me.

And she says it.

"You know that I'm Eva, don't you?"

Motherfuck.

No, as a matter of fact, I didn't.